Hello Dr. Botkin and Dr. Hogan,

First of all thank you for the hope and healing that your discoveries and research have brought to so many of us who have lost loved ones. I live near the Los Angeles area and intend to see Dr. Carl Totton there soon, if he will have me. But before I do, I wanted to ask about the query addressed in this thread.

It's been seven months since my fiance died quite unexpectedly. I first realized I must be in shock when I found that in most of my dreams of him, I had no awareness of his accident and it was as if nothing had ever happened. Over time, those dreams have shifted more and more toward an awareness of his passing and so I assumed I must be progressing through the shock and the numbness is wearing off. (Right? Or is my assumption off?)

But I still do have the occasional dream in which we go about our normal lives as if his accident had never happened, which leads me to believe there must still be a part of me that has yet to come out of denial/numbness. Do those dreams need to completely disappear before I should consider IADC? I should add that I do not consider these dreams to be any form of ADC -- there is nothing in them that feels any different than any other normal dream I ever have.

Thanks very much. Even the possibility of IADC is a great comfort.

Dr. Botkin wrote:
: The primary reason has to do with how people generally experience grief over time. During the initial phase of grief we generally experience shock, disbelief and emotional numbing. Since IADC requires one to fully access and process the profound sadness at the core of grief (which are prerequisites for an ADC experience), any continued emotional numbing will block the accessing of sadness. Also, emotional numbing is adaptive in the early stages of grief, and therefore, even if it were possible to break through the emotional numbing, it would not be advisable in most cases.
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: A secondary (and related) reason is that it takes some time for our brain to consolidate memories, experiences and emotions. If IADC is performed prematurely, some of the aspects of sadness may not yet be available for processing.
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: The severity of the loss should be considered along with the above two points. For more severe losses (e.g. family members) the sadness is much more complex and generally requires more time to both get through the numbing phase and to consolidate the various aspects of the loss.
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: However, no one should wait to get help. Grief groups and supportive counseling can be very helpful in the early stages of grief. Moreover, this kind of support generally helps people get ready for the more aggressive approach to grief that IADC therapy provides.

: Dr. Botkin